ADHD and relationships - what you need to know
I was officially diagnosed with combined ADHD at 43, after both our children were diagnosed. During their assessment the psychologist asked: “Have you been diagnosed with ADHD?” I was really surprised as I had never thought about it, despite having so many of the traits. Looking back I’ve masked for years – trying to laugh less loudly, not interrupt people and not to fidget so much at work. I have even had 30 full time jobs which I quit as I got bored. I had no idea this was linked to my ADHD! Then my husband Kelly was also diagnosed with ADHD, after having first been diagnosed as autistic. Everything just makes so much sense now.
Birds of a feather
As the old saying goes ‘Birds of a feather, flock together’, so it isn’t a huge surprise when both partners in a couple realise they may have ADHD or are autistic. This is exactly what happened with Kelly and I.
We’ve been together since I was 24 and have been married for 17 years! We’ve always got on really well and been super close, but since our diagnoses - him being diagnosed as autistic and with ADHD in his forties and me with ADHD, it’s made so much difference. He knows why I end up making a mess in the kitchen when I’m cooking and why I get distracted and just leave it all! And I know why he jumps from one conversation to the next or isn’t actually listening to me, as he is hyper focussed on something else.
Communication is key
Since we have learnt to understand ourselves more, our communication has improved. Thankfully it’s never been a challenge but there is a better understanding and we feel closer than ever. We now clarify what we mean when we are speaking to each other, rather than just assuming that the other one knows what we are talking about!
We even work together running Perfectly Autistic, our neurodiversity workplace consultancy. We live, eat, sleep and breathe neurodiversity.
ADHD and relationships is often a conversation that comes up when I am coaching my clients. As a certified ADHD coach, relationships often get discussed, as us ADHDers can be very all or nothing, when it comes to dating!
So when it comes to ADHD and relationships what can you do…
Communication: Effective communication is crucial in any relationship, but it can be particularly challenging when one or both partners have ADHD. Some ADHDers may struggle with maintaining focus during conversations, listening attentively, or remembering important details. It's important for both partners to be patient, understanding, and willing to find effective communication strategies that work for them.
Time Management: ADHD can make it difficult for individuals to manage their time effectively, leading to difficulties in keeping schedules, or being punctual or getting ready to go out. This can cause frustration or tension in relationships, especially if the neurotypical partner thinks that the ADHD partner is being irresponsible or unreliable. Open communication and finding practical solutions together can help mitigate these challenges. Talking is key. But only when everyone is cool, calm and collected!
Emotional Regulation: ADHD can also affect emotional regulation, leading to mood swings, impulsivity, or difficulty in controlling emotions. This can impact the dynamics of a relationship, causing misunderstandings or arguments. By being open and listening, it should help both partners to understand and support each other's emotional needs.
Understanding Differences: It's important for both partners to educate themselves about ADHD and how it manifests in their relationship. Listening to podcasts or reading articles or books can help. Recognising that ADHD is a neurological condition, rather than a character flaw, can help with understanding between partners.
Self-Care: Both people in the relationship should prioritise self-care to manage stress and maintain individual well-being. This may involve exercise, mindfulness practices, hobbies, or seeking individual therapy when needed. Also making time for each other is really important too.